So, I have a secret to tell you…

originally written on April 17 2019

I have a secret to share with you all….

I am scared out of my mind that I am totally screwing this up and at the same time, I am 100% confident that I made the right decision.  

I have been “unemployed” for three days now after leaving my steady, corporate job.  I say unemployed in quotation marks because I still have one paycheck from said corporate company and I have begun teaching more yoga and fitness classes to compensate for quitting.  I consider myself lucky that I have outside opportunities for income that I truly enjoy, and I have some time to take off and figure some things out.

I consider myself lucky, but this choice has been far from easy.  I recognize that this is a choice that I have made and that I did not have to quit my job to pursue an alternative unstable career, but still, it is not easy.  I decided to leave my full time position because it was not longer serving me well.  I was anxious, stressed and angry all the time.  I was frustrated at work, frustrated at home and frustrated with myself.  At the end of the day, it was not a healthy decision to stay.  So I finally cut the cord.  I quit and gave a one month notice.  I shared it with my community and I have never felt more supported.  For that, thank you so very much.  I was truly astonished by how many people reached out to offer words of advice or support.  I knew, at that moment, that I had made the right decision.

Then the excitement over finally making the decision wore off.  The sense of empowerment I felt for standing up for myself and advocating for my own physical and mental health was gone.  The beauty of giving a months notice is you leave on good terms and you get another month of salary.  The downfall… you are there for a whole other month.  So while I felt empowered and confident in my decision to leave, I had a whole month to second guess the choice I made.  A whole month to treat patients who I would grow attached to, only to know that I was leaving before their plan of care was over.  A whole month for coworkers to check in on you and see if you really wanted to make this decision.  A whole month of living the lifestyle that you vowed you were leaving.  A whole month to wonder if you just fucked up a really good opportunity to pursue that little old dream of yours.  A month of self doubt and uncertainty.

So for the past month, I have been radio silent.  I have been plugging along, working hard and doing my best to serve my patients.  I have been resting and taking time for myself.  I have been thinking up new ideas and getting excited for the future.  I have also been paralyzed by fear and self doubt.  I have felt inadequate while at the same time over confident.

I am three days into my “unemployment” and I am as scattered as ever.  I have so many ideas to share and they are all ping ponging inside my head.

So my secret is… I have no idea what I am doing while at the same time I know exactly what I want to do.  I am scared shitless of screwing up and while I want to stay paralyzed in that fear, I know that fear is only going to fuel me to move forward.

I am diving head first into starting my own business so I can better serve those in my community.  At the same time, I will continue to teach, inspire, and educate others as I figure this whole business building thing out.  I am deep in creation and brainstorming mode for the moment, so if you were worried as to why I went MIA, that is why.

I have a vision for the health and wellness world. A vision to make feeling good more attainable and accessible.   I have a vision to inspire others to live their best lives by leading by example.  I have a vision to help others feel good through empowerment and education, not fear mongering and shaming.  I have a vision to help has many people live good and feel good in their bodies through movement, mindfulness and morning rituals.

For now, the future is uncertain, the future is scary but that fear is oh so worth it for my bigger vision.  For now, I will sit with this fear and uncertainty as I figure out how to drive this vision forward.  I will follow my intuition and create the life of my dreams so I can go on and help others live the healthy life of their dreams.

For anyone that needs the reminder or feels like they are alone in their journey, please remember this:

None of us have any idea what we are doing.  Our intuition is leading us down paths of uncertainty because our future is bigger than our minds can imagine.

No one has it completely together.  That’s okay because we are meant for more.  We are meant to live good and feel good.